Why?

This is the kind of thing I would usually post on Facebook, but I've banned myself so I'll post it here.

I went to google to search "Why learn piano scales" (I'm learning piano and I have no idea what the point of scales are. I'm musically ignorant)

Google likes to guess what you're going to ask before you ask it. As soon as I typed "Why", google tried to fill in the rest of the sentence with "do men have nipples?"

Google, way off there. Why don't you just let a girl finish her sentence? I feel like google is trying to make fun of me.

The next suggestions to my "why" question were:
1. ..."is the sky blue?"
2. ..."is my poop green?"
3...."are black people so loud?"
4...."did I get married too?"
5..."can't I own a Canadian?"
6...."do dogs eat poop?"

Google is weird.

I've been traumatized by the picture on my driver's license

You are looking at the worst picture of me that's ever been taken, ever. And I have been forced by the state of Illinois to carry it around with me for the last four years.

I'm not lying here...there have been times when I've shown my ID to store clerks/bouncers what have you and they have physically recoiled. This picture is scary. I've gotten a lot of "Wow, you lost a lot of weight! This doesn't look like you at all." Which should be nice, because I did lose a lot of weight. This picture was pretty much taken at my biggest non-pregnant state. I don't look like that, but their disgust is a little embarassing because for quite a while I did go around looking like that. So they're insulting me,just like 4 years later.

To my credit, my skin tone was not actually the shade of ripe banana in real life. That's totally the DMVs fault.

The hair is all weird because I totally didn't think I'd have to take a new picture that day. I just wanted to change my address. My hair was all crazy and sweaty and I thought---foolishly---that pulling it back in the front would be a better look. I thought wrong. I'm smiling way too much because while they were taking the picture, a little 2-year old Dax was running off wildly in the opposite direction. That clenched teeth smile is saying "Please take this picture so I can go chase down my child before he is abducted by a kidnapper."

But finally, after 4 years, I'm done with it. I renewed yesterday, and I no longer have to carry that around anymore. My new picture isn't great, but at least my hair looks good, my skin is a human flesh-tone, and I'm not obese. That's enough for me. I do look super stoned, and very irritated---it kind of reminds me of a 1950s prostitute's mugshot--- but I'll take that over fat oompa loompa.

Edit: so my husband saw that I put my picture up on my laptop while I was working on it. He asked me why I had it on there. I said "Because it's funny how horrible it is?" He got mad at me and was all like "You were beautiful there. I don't like you making fun of how you used to look. That's insulting". That's very sweet of him, but I asked him if he liked me being all yellow with sweat head and he admitted I did not actually look like that all the time, and that it wasn't a good picture, but I was still very pretty to him when I was bigger. He's an awesome guy, that guy of mine.

Edit #2: As requested, the new and improved picture. It's not good either. But an improvement, so I'm not complaining. I look a bit soul-less, but at least my hair looks good.

Up-side down. Boy, you got me feeling in-side out. Round..and...round

I like to do headstands. And every time---I mean EVERY---time I do a headstand, this song runs through my head. It's totally not related to yoga or headstands at all. It's mostly about how Diana Ross totally likes the way her man (Berry Gordy? Gene Simmons? Michael Jackson?) gives her some good lovin' and makes her feel all kinds of sideways. She's not really talking about inversions. But still, sexual themes notwithstanding, it's a good headstand theme song. Up-side down. Boy, you got me feeling in-side out. And round...and...round.

By request, I'm going to chat a bit about my quest to do a perfect headstand

I never, ever, ever stood on my head until I was 30 years old. My mother taught me to be weary of breaking my neck and therefore paralyzing myself, so I avoided anything that my cause quadripeligia (that's can't be a real word, can it?) "Do you want to break your neck?" I heard that any time some roughhousing/gymnasticsy stuff was going on. No, I do not want to break my neck.

But now I guess I don't care about being paralyzed. I've been making up for lost time. I love me some upside-down.

When I first starting get deeper into yoga than the occasional Rodney Yee dvd, I was going to a very basic class at a gym. There was no sort of upside-downedness in this class. But I started reading more and saw lots of upsidedownedness in books so I decided to give it a shot. I taught myself how to do a headstand by a wall by kicking my legs up violently. It worked. I got up there and I was pleased with myself.

This is one of my first successful attempts, I think:

http://i.imgur.com/NJCOS.jpg

I was just so proud of myself that I could do it that I had to capture the moment. Capturing the moment was kind of difficult though because my husband refused to take the picture because he hates all things yoga-ey (I know, probably grounds for divorce) and didn't want any part of it. So I had to set the self timer on the camera, run over to the headstand spot, kick up, then get my balance all in 10 seconds. So anyway, for the last year, I've pretty much been doing all of my headstands in that manner...rushing to get up there as fast as I possibly could, then trying not to fall over.

But I got a lot of lectures about my frantic headstand style, lectures that were reminiscent of my mom saying "Do you want to break your neck!'. So I've been working on doing it the "right" way.There's no kicking up fast as you can the proper way. It's all careful and safe and crap like that, and it all comes from ab strength..

This is where I definitely notice that I've had three kids, including a set of twins that weighed almost 15 lbs of baby at the time of delivery.. My abs are pretty much shot. I'm not even talking about the flabby skin over it that I can do NOTHING about (believe me, I've tried.) I'm talking about the abdominal muscles underneath. The way it was explained to me by a plastic surgeon was that the abdominal muscles are like a rubber band. If you take a rubber band and stretch it all the way out (like, say, put a 6.5 lb and 8 lb baby in it at the same time), even after you stop stretching it, it will retract some, but it's never going to go back to the original strength and tautness that the rubber band/belly was at before the stretching out. (A plastic surgeon told me this when I got a consult about a tummy tuck. You can judge me. I'm okay with that. I have no problem with cosmetic surgery. I've had a nose job. I like Michael Jackson. The only reason I didn't get a tummy tuck is because it's freaking expensive.)

So anyway, my overstretched rubber band abs aren't really doing the job they are supposed to do in doing a proper headstand. So I'm working on it. Every freaking day I try to do a headstand the real way and it's getting a little better.

The deal I made with myself was that when I could do a real headstand, I could treat myself to the most gluttonous meal available in the Quad Cities, the Ross' Magic Mountain. I've never had one because they are definitely a heart attack on a plate, but they do look delicious. A giant plate of fries with cheese and meat and onions. Drool...(then die of a heart attack)

I think I might have earned my Magic Mountain.

One night I was kind of drunk and I decided to work on my headstands. Because I was kind of drunk, I didn't think to myself "Wow, you're drunk! You shouldn't be doing headstands! Do you want to break your neck?" So I did a headstand and it. was. perfect. I have yet to recreate it in a sober state, but hey, I did it once, so it counts (or maybe I was just so drunk that I imagined I did it? That's an option too)

So anyway, that's what I'm working on these days. I should probably get drunk again so I can try to notice how I do headstands differently (and better) while intoxicated.

Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say.

The title is a fantastic quote from Annie Hall, and if you already knew that before I told you, then you are also fantastic.

That title pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today.

I have absolutely nothing interesting to relate to anyone about anything. How awful is that? The highlight of my day today was that I saw a guy running today in a tank top and shorts and it made me laugh. I'm excited about spring coming and running outside again, but not excited enough to run in shorts and a tank top in 34 degrees.

Seriously, that's the most notable thing that happened today. I'll try to have a more interesting day tomorrow, so I have something to share. I do plan on renewing my driver's license...Good times! Stay tuned for that!

What's the opposite of "bear"?

My husband likes to try and teach our kids things. One method he uses is the "Bribe with candy until you spit out the answer I'm looking for" method. He'll have a bag of jelly beans or something and ask the kids random questions to get them using their little brains a little.

Anyway, the kids like this game and the best thing is sometimes they quiz each other. The questions they ask each other are pretty hilarious, and 99% of the time, they don't know the answer themselves.

Today, the best question asked was "What's the opposite of bear?" Now that's an excellent question. What IS the opposite of bear? That's deep, man...

Anyway, in case you don't know the answer, the answer is apparently "Polar bear."

I've given up Facebook for lent

So I'll be doing this more often. I like the fact that with a blog, you can post something and if no one responds to it, you can assume that no one actually read it. The thing I'm HATING about facebook is if you post something, and no one responds, you have the displeasure of knowing that people actually did read it and dismissed it as not worthy of commenting upon. Then you just feel like a real goober nerd with a messed up sense of humor. Or maybe that's just me. whatever. I'm needy when it comes to positive affirmation. It's how I roll.

I don't like feeling like I'm talking to myself on Facebook. I'm okay with it over here.

My wrist is fine

I just don't care about writing in this right now. I go through periods of thinking I should document things that happen because I will totally forget them, versus the fact that I hate telling people something that happens with the kids in real life, and then they're like "Oh I already read that in your blog". Because I have no idea who actually reads this and who doesn't, I don't want to put a disclaimer on my statements like "Did you read my blog about..." because that sounds real dorky and loserish to the people who don't read it.

I'll get back to it sometime. Or not. Whatever.