A compliment, wrapped in an insult, nestled in a big pile of creepiness.

I will start this story as I start many "I was in Goodwill..."

(I love me some Goodwill)

Anyway, I was in Goodwill the other day. I found a few neat things---a giant, realistic-looking plush cobra, some toy eggs, a talking giraffe...you know, the necessities.

Anyway, I had to pay for our loot with my debit card. At Goodwill, they always require a photo ID when you pay with a debit or credit card. Because if I'm stealing a credit card, the first thing I would do is TOTALLY go to Goodwill and buy a toy snake, toy eggs, and a talking giraffe.

The guy at the register gave me a very nice compliment, which was wrapped in an insult, which was nestled in a big pile of creepiness.

"That's not you!" he said as he looked skeptically at my driver's license. The photo on my driver's license was taken right before I got pregnant with the twins, which would put my weight at about 210-ish (I'm not sure, since I wasn't weighing myself often in those days, which is why I weighed 210-ish, probably!) 210-ish is approximately 60 lbs more than I way these days.

A similar thing happened when I was in the airport at customs on my way back from France to the US last year. My passport picture is outdated, and the customs guy asked a lot of questions about it. I kind of hoped he'd refuse to let me return to the US, at least for a week or two while the issue was sorted out. I could have used another week or two in France. But he eventually let me through, unfortunately, potentially forged passport and all.

Anyway, back to Goodwill. I told him "No, it's me. I just lost a lot of weight".

He smiled and complimented me nicely "Wow, you really did a great job! You look great!"

Isn't that sweet?

Then he continued "Wow, you were really fat before."

Agh! First off, I was not "really fat". I was wearing about a size 14 or 16, which is the size of the average American woman. Overweight, yes. But Richard Simmons-housecall big, no.

Then to make it even better, he called over to his fellow Goodwill employee.

"Hey, you've got to look at this! Look at how good this girl looks!" (His friend looks at me and nods appreciately---and by appreciatively, I mean creepily)

He continued "But look how bad she looked before!"

His pal looked at the driver's license and heartily agreed that I was disgusting (he did not use that word). He assured me that I looked really good now. "No," he added "When I say you look good, I really mean you look good."

Insert creepy smile and awkward silence.

If this wasn't bad enough, as the cashier handed me my license with my humpback of Notre Dame likeness on it, the guy behind me in line strained to look at it over my shoulder. So I reluctantly showed it to him, and he nodded in agreement.

So yeah, like I said, a compliment + an insult + creepiness = a whole lot of awkwardness.

While I'm somewhat glad to be the hot babe of the Goodwill set, I don't need their judgment on my former appearance, you know? Not everyone is a meth addict, Goodwill guys.

To their credit, it is a REALLY bad driver's license photo. I would scan it if my scanner was working. I remember that the day I had it taken, it was a very humid day and my hair was sweaty so I pulled it back in a barrette. During the picture, I'm half laughing/half angry because Dax was trying to knock over some equipment. Also, for some reason, I'm the color of a lemon. The tint was off. So yeah, totally bad picture.

But still, the moral of the story is this: if someone loses weight, or cuts their hair, or gets a nosejob or WHATEVER they do to improve their appearance, tell them "Hey, you look great!" Do not add to the end of the sentence "...now. You looked like a real troll before".