How to brainwash your child into awesomeness.

TV is a good babysitter.

That's not PC to say, I realize. But it's true. Every mom knows it. And I feel no guilt about letting the TV babysit my kids on a daily basis. In the morning when I'm drinking my coffee and trying to become a person, they watch cartoons. In the afternoons, in the deathly hours after lunch and after we've played outside and gone anywhere we possbily could go, but before my husband gets home and we eat dinner, they watch TV. There's nothing else to do. I'm with the kids 24/7. If it were not for the TV amusing my kids a few hours a day, I'd totally lose it.

Anyway, there are 8 million gazillion DVDs for kids out there. Most of them suck socks. Seriously. I would rather scratch my ears out than overhear the Wiggles. Barney is a real creep. Calliou is a huge whiner and whenever my kids watch him, they start talking in the same creepy whine.

So I'm actually pretty picky about what I put on TV for the kids. I don't let them watch annoying shit, which means they watch a lot of awesome stuff that I like instead. I think this has really added to making them interesting little people. They aren't going around bugging grownups by quoting Dora the Explorere, you know? They're well rounded. And they really like the stuff I show them as more than the weirdo kid stuff at this point. They're cool kids.

So I'd like to share my recommendations of what to movies will entertain your kids, keep them out of your hair for an hour or two, and not be completely irritating to overhear.

1.) Muppet Show ---last year, my kids were into the 1970s Muppet Show. And for good reason. It's freaking great. My kids are very into music, much more than I was as a kid. I remember when I was a kid, and the special musical guest did their number, it was boring as hell. But that's my kids favorite parts. They know all sorts of crazy old songs that no one else their age knows because of the Muppet Show. Crocodile Rock, Day-O, Spinning Wheel... Plus, Miss Piggy is pretty much the best fictional character ever invented. I want to be Miss Piggy when I grow up.

2. "Best of Bowie"---This was the first of any sort of television that my oldest son watched. He hated regular TV but seriously loved this DVD compilation of David Bowie videos and live performances. The kid knows "Rebel Rebel" by heart. How cool is that.

3. Michael Jackson Dangerous: Live in Bucharest----This is the HBO concert that was filmed in the early 1990's. Good lord, MJ put on an amazing show. The kids love this, and usually if I put it on for them, I can't stay away. They dance along, and I break out the hula hoop (I've lost an inch in my waist solely due to hula hooping to Michael Jackson

4. Sesame Street Old School---this is a dvd compilation of old school 1970s Sesame Street. Completely different show than current Sesame Street. It even has a parental warning at the beginning, stating that some material might not be suitable for today's child. Whatever. Did you know Oscar was orange in the first season? That is fucked up. The best part though, is that Elmo is nowhere to be seen. When Elmo came on the scene, Sesame Street totally jumped the shark.

5. Elmo's Potty Time---Considering my last statement about the red furry one, it's strange that I am recommending one of his movies. It is the ONLY kid movie we watch in our house. I bought it to help my twins with their pottytraining. Dax literally took YEARS to pottytrain, so I was very much dreading starting the process with the twins. We started watching the Elmo potty movie, and those little guys pretty much pottytrained themselves. Quinn was pottytrained immediately as soon as we started the process, and Heath took like a month. Amazing. I thank Elmo for that. Any bad feelings I have towards Elmo kind of disappear when I remember that he saved me from changing any more diapers and dealing with all that shit (literally and figuratively speaking). I have three potty trained children. I never thought that day would come. And actually, the potty movie is pretty funny. It's always funny to talk about poop and pee. There's jokes in that movie for the grownups too.

6. Wizard of Oz---my kids went through a phase of watching this pretty much every day. They know it by heart, and quote it all the time. And I love it that none of my kids are pussies---they aren't scared of the witch or flying monkeys at all. A lot of wimpier kids would be. My kids aren't wimps.

7. Michael Jackson "The Number Ones"----more MJ. This is a compilation of his most popular videos. Billie Jean, Thriller, Smooth Criminal, Black or White...all the classics. Good for getting out the hula hoop.

Well, that's about all I can think of. If you're invited to a toddler's birthday party and don't know what to get them for a present, forget the blocks or trucks. Bring "Best of Bowie."

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