Hot mess

I have to rant a little here. What is up with the people who go to the gym to workout, then don't workout?

In any given fitness class, about half (or more) of the class walks out of the class with their hair still perfect, not a drop of sweat anywhere to be seen. What is the point of that? Why spend an hour or more in a shoved in a tiny room with dozens of strangers if you aren't even going to move and make it worth your while?

Yes, everyone should listen to their bodies and move at their own pace. But seriously, the perfect hairstyle ladies drive me crazy. And I think I drive them crazy too, because I am the anti-perfect hairstyle lady. I am literally a hot mess when I workout. If I don't have fuck-me-hair (that's a Mario expression)when I'm done working out, I consider the experience a failure.

When I go to workout, I want to get my money's worth. For example, in Zumba class, it's supposed to be dancey. Lots of corny cha-chas and dips and nerdy stuff like that (not knocking it at all. I love nerdy in all shapes and forms) But then there is often a lot of hip bumps and shimmies and thrusting and that kind of business. I am really not a good dancer at all, but I BRING IT when it comes to a good hip thrust. While the fake blonde, not a hair out of place women are demurely swaying front and back about an inch, I'm going at it like a drunk, uncoordinated stripper. While they frantically towel off a stray drop of sweat that might happen to seep out of a single pore, I'm looking like 1970's era, fat, sweaty Elvis.

See Exhibit A



Today in a Zumba class, after a particularly hip-centered number, I heard two of the non-movers behind me say, in a catty, shocked tone "There are children in here!"

So the fuck what? People for some reason bring their kids to the class with them a lot. Not sure why. If they were participating, it would be one thing, but most of them just sit off to the side and watch. Annoying.

Anyway, what is wrong with kids seeing some shimmying and hip shaking? Every freaking day, my kids and I watch a Michael Jackson concert dvd. We dance along with it and sorry, but MJ's moves are not rated G.

See exhibit b



(Side note: based on that video, I think every man in the universe should be required to buy a pair of metallic gold pants.)

I also like to hula hoop while watching music videos with the kids and nothing gets the hips shaking like a hula hoop. I don't think my kids will grow up to be sexual deviants because we dance a lot. At least they won't grow up to be repressed extras from the cast of "Footloose". People get so hung up on themselves. Because they're too self-conscious or whatever to shake their asses, they think everyone should be.

People are afraid of sweat too, I think. Sweat is good. Pretty much everything that is fun for me involves sweating. I'm not afraid of getting sweaty and hot. It means you're moving, you're burning calories, you're not sitting on your ass.

And personally, I think the sweaty look is a good look.

See Exhibit C (try 2:07-ish)



I developed a big-time girl crush on Gwen Stefani back in high school, pretty much based on this. Or maybe not so much a girl crush, but I wanted to be her, and jump around all sweaty on a stage, wearing a crop top. (I couldn't wear the crop top then, and I can't today. Unless Santa brings me a tummy tuck for Christmas.)

What I really need to do is find a cardio striptease class in the QCs. And if I can't find one, I need to start one! How much fun would that be? And I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to find a stripper pole class. They have those in big cities, but not around here (believe me, I've done the research). All that twirling around and climbing and sliding looks like so much fun. You can buy stripper poles for home use and I SO wanted one, but my husband nixed the idea (yeah, I know, I don't get it either.)

So anyway, there's my little rant. People who aren't comfortable in their own skin drive me bonkers. If you want to stand there and sway a little bit and call it a workout, then wonder why you're not losing weight, more power to you. If I go to a dance class, I'm going to move. As long as I keep my clothes on, and leave out the Michael Jackson crotch grabs (in public anyway), what's the harm?