My wrist is fine

I just don't care about writing in this right now. I go through periods of thinking I should document things that happen because I will totally forget them, versus the fact that I hate telling people something that happens with the kids in real life, and then they're like "Oh I already read that in your blog". Because I have no idea who actually reads this and who doesn't, I don't want to put a disclaimer on my statements like "Did you read my blog about..." because that sounds real dorky and loserish to the people who don't read it.

I'll get back to it sometime. Or not. Whatever.

Wist surgery day

Typing not mycg of an option oday. So blog will resume when my hand is not jacked up. I'm not editing the typos. Ouch.

And today I smell like olive oil

I really, really, really hate yardwork. No, I don't, actually. Let me amend that to say "I really, really, really hate yardwork when I also have to watch three kids."

I wouldn't mind yardwork if I didn't have to stop every two seconds to yell at a kid. "Get out of the street!" "Don't eat those berries! They're poisonous!" "Don't ride your trike down the hill!" (That last one is a real scary one, considering our driveway is a hill of death.)

Our lot is really strange. We live in a ravine. Pretty much, the roof of our house is at street level. We have the steep, scary driveway, and our front yard consists of a huge multi-leved limestone terraced flower bed that faces our house. It would really be a beautiful feature if someone had the time and/or energy and/or motivation to deal with it, but I don't so it looks like crap.

So anyway, I put off yardwork pretty much all summer. Mario did some barebones mowing, but otherwise, we let the weeds take over. We live on a wooded lot, so a weed filled flowerbed pretty much just blends in with the surroundings (at least that's what I tell myself to justify my laziness)

But yesterday I decided to finally attack the weeds, or at least clear them away enough to make way for the new mulch. What we do at our house of 8 gazillion oak trees is shred the leaves with the mower and use the shredded leaves for mulch in the flower beds(this year we got a leaf shredder so I'm actually kind of excited about that) I'm very happy with the oak leaf mulch idea because it is super free, we don't have to worry about disposing of our leaves, and if more leaves get blown into the flower beds during the winter, I don't have to rake them out in the spring. They match!

I pulled out the dead day lillies and hostas and weeds in about half of the terraced area. I was trying to untangle the vines and vines of wild black raspberry that grows everywhere and it was making me crazy. It was all looped into these awful thorny bushes the previous owner planted. Those bushes kept grabbing at me and finally I just grabbed the hacksaw and cut them all down. I felt very she-woman, but I know they'll just grow back to torment me next year.

Today I cleared out the other half, and it sucked. Whoever planned out the terracing was real stupid because there is no way to access most of this without doing some billygoat-ish type of climbing. Anyway, with my climbing, I climbed headfirst into a big cockleburr plant.

My whole head was covered in burrs, but I kept going. I knew if I stopped that I would never go back out to finish it so I just kept going, Medusa hair and all. A couple of hours later, I finally called it quits and went in to take a shower.

Those little suckers (literally) wouldn't come out! My head was a bird's nest of burrs and matted hair. I was very frustrated and near tears, and this close to just grabbing the scissors and going for the Kate Gosselin look when I decided to check online for other options.

There were many sites about getting burrs out of hair...no make that fur. It talked a lot about dogs with burrs, but I figured it was probably good enough. They recommeneded olive oil. So I oiled up my hair, and the burrs came out like that. Awesome. I rewashed my hair again, but I still kind of smell like olive oil. My Sicilian husband is bound to find me irresistable, eh?

I will no longer be asking my husband to hit me with books.

For about 3 years, I've had a bump on my wrist. A trip to the doctor told me that it is called a ganglion cyst. Pretty much, it's like a fluid filled marble in my wrist joint.

And that's exactly what it feels like---having a marble in your wrist. Imagine that scenario, if you will. Pretty much most of the time, it doesn't hurt. But if I try to bend my wrist back, or put any pressure on my wrist, it hurts like a motherfudger (that actually sounds dirtier than motherfucker, if you think about it).

So the advice my doctor had was "Don't bend your wrist back, or put any pressure on your wrist." Fair enough. There have been times when I thought maybe pushups would be a good cheap sort of exercise to do, but I get to skip out on that idea due to the incredible pain that would put on my wrist. I like yoga a lot, but good lord, that is pretty much the worst thing in the world to do with a bum wrist. It's like pushups on and off for 60 minutes because every vinyasa makes me want to cut my hand off. I have to skip out on all the fun party trick stuff like hand balances.

I've been to the doctor twice to have it drained (which is as gross as it sounds). It came back both times.

And I've harassed people to hit me with a book many a time over the years.



People are really afraid to hit me with a book. People are just way too nice, and they dont' want to hurt other people, I guess. I would have no issues with hitting someone with a book if they asked me too, but I guess I'm just mean.

Mario has, upon my request, hit me a bunch of times and it only worked once. I was telling him that I was telling a girl at the gym about how I wanted someone to pop this thing on my wrist by beating me with a book, and about how Mario was too afraid to do it hard enough because he didn't want to hurt me. So she said she would do it, since she didn't really like me that much anyway (I think she was kidding. Maybe not) So I told Mario I found someone else, and he got jealous, and was like "Get a book."

So I did and BAM! he smashed it. It popped and god oh god oh god oh god did it hurt. We totally should have videotaped that moment.

But it came back, and I'm mad and going for the surgery on it. It's going to suck, but that stupid ganglion cyst has been bugging me for too long and that little bastard has to go.

My main issue with the surgery is that it is going to leave a pretty bad-ass scar on my hand. I have to come up with some more interesting story about how I got the scar than the real story. Probably it will have something to do about how I escaped my punishment for thievery in the Middle East.

This week's book selection

I completely picked up my mom's habit of library book selection. I like to read a lot, and I'm a super fast reader, so I go through way too many books for a bookstore to be economically possible. So I go to the library about once a week, and come home with a stackful of future knowledge. It's a good time.

I don't read fiction. There have just been way too many times that I tried to read fiction, then I get to the end and think "Why the fuck do I care about that?" I don't want to read about pretend people. I don't get emotionally connected, and I'm way too literal-minded to ever care about interpreting what the author was really trying to say or any of that crap. People have offered book suggestions for years with statements like "I know you don't read fiction, but really, you'll love this." So I try, and just get burned by stupid characters, or writers trying to be fancy and just come off as pretentious, or lame endings.

When I go to the library, I head straight for the "New Non-fiction" section. A lot of times, I talk about random things that no one should care about and the response I'll get is "Why would you know that?" New Non-Fiction, my friend. It is a goldmine of useless knowledge. Old non-fiction is also good, but it's just too overwhelming with the stacks and stacks and stacks of books (although I worked in libraries for a total of 5 years, so I have an excellent working knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System). I like the new non-fiction because it is a small section of completely random topics.

I'm not choosy. I will grab any and all books that look like they might be at all interesting.

Here's what's on my reading agenda for this week:

1. "The Year of Living Like Jesus: My journey of discovering what Jesus would really do"
( chose this mostly because there is a really smiley picture of a guy with a Grizzly Adams beard on the cover. He looks happy, so I'm going to guess his journey turned out well.)

2. "Cults, Conspiracies & Secret Societies: The Straight Scoop on Freemasons, the Illuminati, Skull & Bones, Black Helicopters, the New World Order."
(You never know when you might run into a Bonesman)

3. "How to Be a Mentsh (& Not a Schmuck)"
No idea what this is about, but who could resist that title. Plus, it's by the author of "Born to Kvetch". Again, I haven't read that book, but want to based solely on the title.)

4. "French Women Don't Sleep Alone: Pleasurable Secrets to Finding Love"
Frankly, I'm kind of getting tired of being lectured about how much more awesome French women are than American women, and I'm not planning on looking for love any time soon but I like to be prepared.

5."Our Magnificent Bastard Tongue: The Untold History of English".
I really like books on language. I would so have majored in English if it weren't for all the classes making you read stupid fiction books.

6."The World has Curves: The Global Quest for the Perfect Body"
I am in the quest for the perfect body (it's not going well) so I'd like to hear how the rest of the world is handling their quest.

7."Loch Ness Monsters and Raining Frogs: The World's most Puzzling Mysteries Solved"
I mostly got this because it says on the title that the Mona Lisa is not in the Louvre. What? I went to the Louvre, and those lying French bastards showed me a Mona Lisa! What the hell!

8."The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite".
I almost skipped this one over becuase I thought it was a diet book, and I've read all that stuff already. But this is about overeating as a society, instead of just in my own belly, so it might be interesting


9."Alien Hand Syndrome: And other too-weird-not-to-be-true stories"
A jackpot of useless knowledge, I'm sure.

10."Lizzie Borden Took an Axe, or Did She?"
I don't know, Annette M. Holba. Do you know something I don't?

11. "I Have Something to Tell You: A Memoir"
I read the book jacket on this one and they ruined the secret. She wants to tell me she has Aids. And everyone else. Apparently she kept it secret for a long time, then wrote a book to tell everyone. I like secrets, so it should be a good read.

12. "The Tyranny of E-Mail: The 4000 Year Journey to your Inbox."
I think this is about how email and the internet and stuff is bad. I don't agree, but I'm open to discussion on the matter.

13. "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict"
See? Being a Facebook addict is not the worst thing you could be.

14. "It's not all Flowers and Sausages: My adventures in second grade"
It's from a 2nd grade teacher. I liked 2nd grade, so maybe I'll like reading about other people's 2nd grades?

So anyway, in the next week or so, feel free to ask me about living like Jesus, freemasons,jewish characters, French women who sleep around a lot, the dark side of the English language, images of physical perfection, where the hell the Mona Lisa is, why Americans are fat, too-weird-not-to-be-true stories, theories on Miss Borden, keeping your AIDS a secret, how evil technology is, how to get addicted to abortions, or 2nd grade. .

I should probably brush my teeth or something.

Mario and I went to a wedding in Milwaukee, the first time we've gone away for a weekend together since we had multiple kids. A fine time was had by all.

But we crashed late, and we rose early to get on the road. It's not really that fun driving 4 hours in a slightly hungover state, but we did it. I have yet to take a shower, because really after driving 4 hours in a hungover state, that just feels like WAY too much work. I have smeary old eye makeup, formerly curled hair that is now a big rat's nest, and hangover breath. Good times. Oh, and I only packed one t-shirt for this weekend so I'm wearing the same shirt I've worn for the last three days in a row.

Pretty much the theme of this blog is how often I am disgustingly filthy.

Because I won't be able to do a post tomorrow

Here's a bonus for today:

It really pisses me off to no end when people feel the need to comment on the amount of time I spend on Facebook. I like Facebook a lot. There are lots of interesting things and it is a great way to keep in touch. I'm on and off it all day, and I a new status update pretty much once or twice a day. It's good times.

But people like to get all snotty about other people's computer usage. I get comments all the time about "Geez, you spend so much time on Facebook! You must be really bored!"

Here's the deal. I don't watch TV. I don't go out drinking. I don't sleep around with random dudes. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I don't even overeat. I try to avoid spending money and/or shopping. Plainly said, I have no vices. So with no vices to fill up my time, I spend the time that could be used on stupid pointless activities on Facebook, an equally stupid and pointless activity.

I don't waste my time more than anyone else, it's just that my time wasting is documented on Facebook. It's not even like I'm spending huge chunks of time on it. I pretty much have serious ADD issues at this stage of my life. I'm up, I'm down, I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the backyard. I don't stay in one place long. If I write a status update at 9 am, then take a quiz at 11 am, then comment on someone's post at 1 pm, then post pictures at 5 pm, then write another status update at 7pm, that doesn't mean I've been on facebook for 10 hours straight.

So whenever someone gets on their high horse criticizes me for playing around on Facebook and having no life, I pretty much imagine that they spend their non-facebook addicted life sitting in front of the tv, chowing down and/or smoking and/or drinking, while calling phone sex lines and partaking in compulsive online shopping. That's fine. I'm not judging.

It's a bit of a sore subject.

Warning

The warning on my soy coffee creamer says "Not to be used as infant formula." The fact that the warning is there means someone tried it.

Show them how funky strong is your fight.

I don't want to write a blog, but have committed to this everyday thing. So here goes...

The only thing I can think of that is vaguely funny (to me anyway) is that on Sunday, Mario and I took the kids to see the Halloween Parade in Moline. It was a beautiful day, so there was a huge crowd out to see it. We were looking for a spot to sit, and Mario found a little spot where no one was sitting, so he and the kids sat on the curb and I stood behind them.

Then this big, pink haired, twentysomething biatch started biatching behind me to her man. "I was going to sit here, these people stole our spot, now we can't see, blah blah blah" This lady was standing about 5 feet away from where we sat down when we sat down, and unfortunately I didn't pick up any psychic vibes saying that she maybe kind of probably wanted to sit in that spot eventually.

She was whining and whining to her man right behind me. Her man, to his credit, was rational and didn't care. But she kept going on and on and on.

I'm not a confrontational person. I try to get along, but this lady wouldn't stop. I got pissed and turned around and kind of went off on her about how she didn't own the street and she wasn't anywhere around when we sat down and that she needed to let it go. I pointed out several times that she wanted three little kids to get up so she could sit down. (She didn't ahve any kids with her) What a lazy ass (I didn't say that part) She wouldn't give up, and Mario got involved and told her "Listen, I'll move over 6 inches and you'll have all the room you need. Would that make you happy? Would that solve the problem?" As soon as he said that, she kind of retreated. Mario has a way of making people retreat. He's very polite and charming in his problem solving abilities, but he pretty much looks like any mafia henchman out of any Godfather movie (one time I was dealing with a male former friend calling me all the time/stalking me, and Mario didn't really care for it, and I didn't really either. We happened to run into him somewhere and I introduced them, and all Mario did was shake his hand and give him a look, and I never heard from the guy ever again. He can be very intimidating without saying one thing when he feels like it.)

So the lady went back behind us, and chilled out a little, but she kept bitching about it the whole time. So here's what strikes me as funny...

I am so not a confrontational person, but she wouldn't stop. I was getting very rattled, and I turned around and growled at her "Back off me, lady! Back off."

What's funny about that to me (and probably not to anyone else) is that I apparently learn my confronational skills from Michael Jackson videos

(see 6:40)




It's very surprising I didn't say "You ain't bad! You ain't nothing!" or "You wanna see who's Bad?" or even "Beat it! Beat it! No one wants to be defeated!".

I'm slightly (lotly) ashamed of myself. I should have better arguing skills than just quoting Michael Jackson.

But hey, at least it worked. She did shut up, or at least moved further away so I didn't have to hear her. I'm not sure why it worked, but it did.

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for yoo-oo-ooo-oou.

So I'm really going to do this everyday, but can't guarantee they'll be long (which is probably good) I can guarantee that many will be boring and pointless, so if that's your thing, read on.

I'm fussy. I haven't been able to exercise all week because I can't leave the house. I'm waiting for people pretty much all day. I've had all these guys running in and out of my house, dealing with this basement flooding thing. All the carpets in our basement had to be yanked out and replaced. Insurance says they'll pay for it, so I guess the silver lining in all of this is that we'll get a free basement renovation forced upon us (the irony is that the basement was already renovated by a previous owner---and paid for by insurance---because of a fire.)

I was really just planning on putting down carpet again, then Mario's cousin got me excited about other options(ha, editor's note: instead of "Mario's cousin", I accidentally typed "Mario's husband" Weird. Anyway...) I've been researching and carpet is really dirty and gross and moldy, pretty much anytime, anywhere. So now I'm thinking laminate? I don't know. The carpet guy is coming today at 11 am. Either that or 1 pm. Either that or whenever he feels like coming. Fine by me. I'm here.

It's annoying having to sit around and wait for people, but it is one nice aspect of being a housewife that I'm able to do that. The contractors will say something like "We need to schedule a time to come in. What would work for you?" Then I reply "Anytime. I'm always here." And they get such a look of suprise and happiness in their faces. They probably get real sick of having to schedule out time windows because they know they'll totally be late anyway (because that's how contractors roll) then the customer will be all pissy that they have to miss work. My work consists of sitting around the house, so it works out well.

Ugh, babies.

Pretty much, I've discovered that I like my kids a lot more now that they aren't babies anymore.

For years, my house was filled with babies and baby paraphenelia. It is a thing of the past. We no longer have to shell out a small fortune on diapers, we have beds instead of cribs and I couldn't find a bottle and/or sippy cup in my house if my life depended on it.

And it's so much better. Babies suck.

I have never been a baby person. A lot of people crumple up into a big wad of "OH my gosh he's so cute can I hold him blah blah blah" when they see a baby. Not me. I would just kind of say Hi to babies, and then they would just look back at me like I was an idiot.

When I was a teenager, I always told myself that I wouldn't have any kids after the age of 30. If I was going to be a mom, I would be a young mom. I think I also kind of made this little deal with myself thinking that there was absolutely no chance I'd find any sort of husband/potential baby daddy material before 30 and therefore I'd be off the hook, reproductively speaking.

But I got married at 22, and actually---to my great surprise---caught baby fever. Again, it wasn't at all about BABIES, but I liked the idea of having kids and adult children who will (theoretically) take care of me when I'm a haggardly old crone (meaning in about 5.7 years)

So we had babies, lots of 'em, and I did like the little buggers, despite everything they did to try to convince me otherwise. Babies can puke on you, have explosive diarrhea on you, drool, bite your nipples, keep you awake all night, pee all over the place, try to choke themselves on any household item, and all ranges of unpleasant things, but I still liked them. Enough to not sell them on the baby black market anyway.

But as much as I liked them as babies, I like them WAY more now.

Pretty much, I throw them some food, and make sure they don't kill each other, and we're good to go. The manual labor years of babyhood are gone. They dress themselves, take care of the bathroom business on their own, and know what they like to do. We pretty much can hang out now. I can have some great conversations with them.

But the number one reason why they're so much better now is because they are freaking hilarious guys. Babies are funny too, but it's like accidentally funny. They don't realize they're being funny when they try to kiss the dog's butt, so when you laugh, you almost kind of feel like you're making fun of their baby stupidity. But as they get older, it becomes a case of laughing with them rather than laughing at them.

You may have noticed that siblings often share the same sense of humor. They might dress differently, or have different careers, or political persuasions or whatever, but generally siblings find the same type of stuff funny. It's that way because the parents get to completely mold their kids into having their exact sense of humor.

Here's how it works. Kids are like stand up comedians. They try out their comedy material on their audience--the parents---and sometimes it flops and other times it gets a big laugh. And kids are a sucker for a big laugh. So they chase that audience reaction by going with the stuff that works, and by the time they're 5, you have your own personal court jester who knows what makes you laugh. My kids can turn me on a dime from screaming at the top of my lungs in anger to laughing my ass off. They know how to work the crowd, meaning me. Hence their sense of humor is molded to fit mine and that makes them fun to hang out with.

Kids are so much better than babies. I am SO glad my baby days are behind me. People still ask if I want more kids, which always shocks me because seriously, I had 3 kids in 24 months. Who would go back for more after that? But they ask anyway but quickly wish they hadn't because my answer usually has something to do with how my husband had a vasectomy and nothing shuts people up like hearing you talk about your husband's nutsack.

People always told me that once I had babies, I'd like other people's babies more. Not true. I still don't get all coochie-coochie-coo with babies. I don't want to hold them. It gives me flashbacks. Plus, because I spent so much time holding two babies at a time, when i hold just one I'm probably too casual and it freaks parents out to see me fling their babies around. So I don't want to hold babies, and parents don't want me to hold their babies and that's how it's going to be.

I really am not going to be able to come up with titles everyday.

Or anything blog-worthy. But that's okay. I'll do the random thing, just as long as I do something.

Um, let's see. Well the main thing going on right now is that our freaking washing machine hose broke and therefore our basement was flooded. It's annoying because neither my husband nor I (that doesn't sound right, grammatically. And "grammatically" doesn't look right, spelling-wise.) are "handy" at all, so we are forced to rely on the schedules and billing of plumbers. We had to turn off our water supply, and the plumber people aren't coming until this afternoon. We're all sitting around our house being smelly for lack of showers, with grimy feeling teeth for lack of a proper tooth brushing, and no coffee. I wasn't smart enough yesterday to take a shower as soon as I was done working out, so I have some pretty old nasty sweat on me right now. I smell like a homeless guy. If I could make some coffee, I might be able to handle smelling like a homeless guy. With caffeine, I would be like one of the stinky but happy homeless guys, one of the high, kind of a hippie kind of vibe. But without caffeine, I pretty much feel like one of the really mean homeless guys who get in your face and yell and curse at you about how the government is trying to control your thoughts.

Mario didn't go in to work today for hygienic reasons, and that's never good. Mario and I can handle about a weekend's worth of family togetherness. Like 48 hours is good. Then he goes back to work and I get control of my turf again. When we have a three day weekend kind of thing, it really just turns into a bitchfest (in this case, a smelly, bad-breathed, non-caffeinated bitchfest). He decided to clean out all the kitchen cabinets because he was irritated with having to sit around waiting for a plumber. That's all fine and good, except that when Mario cleans something, he expects me to help. I'm not cleaning anything without some coffee in my system. So yeah, we're kind of getting on each other's nerves.

We had to spend last night pulling soggy junk out of our junk room. The kids are all excited because I had to pull the Christmas tree out to dry and now they think Santa's coming any time now. I found a box full of old Halloween costumes and the kids are having fun with those but I'm kind of worried about a mouse or a brown recluse spider or something lurking in a wig. A couple good things came out of our forced cleaning of the junk room. I finally got to throw away the boxes and boxes of old magazines that Mario has been hanging onto for his entire life. Like music magazines from 1995, and wrestling magazines from 1988 and a bunch of other random stuff that he socked away like someone from "Hoarders". Also, another good thing is that I found some boxing gloves I completely forgot that I owned. I took a kickboxing class last Tuesday and it was great in that I was sore for days and days and days, but it was bad because I had to borrow some slightly soggy, definitely smelly, nasty gloves from the teacher. I will be much more enthusiastic about returning to kickboxing now that I actually have my own gloves. I will have to check for mice and/or brown recluse spiders.

Okay, that was really boring. Sorry about that. I'm just real pissy right now. Pissy, and really smelly.

I've completely abandoned this thing

I have a goal to make one post a day for the rest of the year. I tend to not really stick to my goals and/or commitments so we'll see how this goes.

Seperated at birth.

I went to a costume party the other day. I had NO idea that Michael Jackson was going through all those plastic surgeries and skin bleachings so he could look like me. I'm honored.

I'll just do a train of thought and see where it goes...

I feel like writing a blog but really don't have anything to say, so I'll just start rambling.

Dax wants to be a garbageman for Halloween. How weird is that? That's fine, if that's what he wants to do. I don't care. But how do you find a garbageman costume, exactly? It's not like they sell them at KMart. The problem is that garbagemen pretty much just wear regular clothes, so besides having him carry around a garbagecan, when he goes trick-or-treating, people will think he is one of those kids who is too lazy to wear a costume. The only option I've found is this:

http://www.amazon.com/Zoogster-Costumes-Toddler-UPS-Costume/dp/B000VXIRBA

It's a UPS costume, but I'm thinking I can replace the patches with "Sanitation Department" patches (that I'll have to make, because, again...can't buy those at Kmart) What kind of weirdo kid would want to be a UPS man for Halloween, I wonder? Oh yeah, probably the same kind of weirdo kid who wants to be a garbageman...

I really do enjoy the fact that my kids don't feel the need to conform and all that, but it does make things complicated sometimes. But hey, I really shouldn't complain. At least I don't have to worry about my kid wanting to wear this costume:

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sweet-Witch-Costume-Child/dp/B000H8MBT8/ref=sr_1_43?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&qid=1251311403&sr=1-43

I have nothing against black satin, lace and corsets, but I do kind of have issues with a toddler sized 4-6 wearing black satin, lace and corsets. Can we say JonBenet?

Speaking of Halloween, I had a creepy moment about a month ago. See, the thing is, sometimes I have moments where I really question my sanity. Not in a "Oh, I'm so silly and crazy" kind of way. But like in a "Has my brain broken" serious sort of way. I was at Walgreens and there was all of this Halloween candy and stuff out, along with a sign saying "Save on seasonal sales!" And I thought my brain broke because I actually, seriously considered the fact that I went to be thinking it was July and woke up in October. I looked at a magazine date, and felt better when it said it was July (I'm not kidding. I really did. I'm that insecure as to my sanity sometimes) Stores need to stop putting the holiday stuff out months before you need it. Not only does it make you sick of the holiday way before it gets here, but it also makes people think they might have accidentally time traveled to the future.

See, this is why I need to blog with a set topic in mind. I said I'd do a train of thought and see where it goes, and I end up telling a story about me thinking I'm a time traveler. Good lord. Do other people's brain work like this too?

More of that

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I have a tiny bald spot in my hairline from falling down some cement stairs as a toddler

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
I have lots of rooms. I'm fancy and grownup like that.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
Yeah, I think snoring, but I don't know because I'm asleep and my husband doesn't tell me. (Nor do all the other random guys I sleep with. (that's a joke ( a stupid joke (I'll stop now)))

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
MIchael Jackson has been the theme this summer

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
12:13 AM

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
I am wanting for nothing. I'm a lucky girl.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
I'm not much for nostalgia and such.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
Does a husband count as a possession? And kids? I kind of own them. If they are my possessions, then they are prized possessions most of the time.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
67 inches.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
I probably would in a cave where I have to crawl on my belly or something. The thought of that makes me kind of sick.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Yes, I really do.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Michael Jackson.

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
I don't know. I try to avoid dwelling on fears these days, since I'm a recovering hypochondriac.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Brown/brown (I have to say that, or I'd have some 'splaining to do.)

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
Nowhere. I'm not going to do that, silly.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Coffee, fo sho.

17. Favorite pizza topping?
Mushy, mushy, mushrooms. But no one else in my family likes them, the rat bastards.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'm good, thanks. I'm not hungry. I had cake for dinner.

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Red

20 HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
Just the cracker ones---Kelly's answer but I agree

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
No clue.

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Yes, on a dead Michael Jackson. Well, I'm not into him being dead. Alive Michael Jackson's pretty cute.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I get everything at Goodwill, but I tend to like Gap clothes (from Goodwill)

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
13

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Brunettes. I don't really understand the question though.

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
?

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
My bed

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Yes

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Upper body strength

36. MEET ANYONE FAMOUS?
I didn't really meet them, but I saw Joan Rivers in an airport, David Letterman going into his office, and Michael Jackson going into his hotel.

37. FIRST JOB?
library book putter awayer

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
back in the pre-caller-id days, when I was in junior high.

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOUL MATE?
Um, no. People change too much, and it would be pretty miraculous to find someone who happens to change in the exact same way.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Sitting around, killing fruit flies. I know how to party on a Saturday night.

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
I had a nose-job. Good times.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
It used to be having a big chest, but then I lost weight and now I'm flat. So I guess now I get complimented on not being as fat as I used to be.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That's a long way away.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT/HAVE AND THEIR NAMES?
How many do I want, or how many do I have?

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Ambiguous genitalia.

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
I lived next to the high school and got to wake up to marching band music.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
I'm using a baby shampoo/conditioner in one because it smells like coconut.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
That other survey seems to have been stolen from this one.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
see what I mean?

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
I just can't stop murdering prostitutes. And also I lie sometimes.

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
No, not at all. I know what's what.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
That other survey was such a ripoff of this. I'm mad it took me 50 questions to realize. Well, I've come this far, there's no turning back now...

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes. I've seen some nasty looking people in my day. Like really nasty. Like you have to avert your eyes nasty.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Mostly yelling.

58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
Probably gain. I used to be that fat anyway. It was fine.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Barbies

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
zero

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Barney Rubble, yes.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Mashed potatoes all the way.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Vitiligo, a really high voice and fantastic dancing abilities. (False!) accusations of pedophilia are optional.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Em, Mommy

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
That cloack of invisibility would really come in handy.

68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
I don't care. I waste time on the internet instead of tv

69.WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Pretend they don't exist. Repression is my thing.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Eh.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
As of today, yes.

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
den

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
I was told that I should go to bed.

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
here's okay, as long as I take care of my knees. This house has a lot of stairs.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Nobody's going to.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Diana Ross

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Water

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?.
My mom

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I don't do that.

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Lots of nerdy stuff.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
laundry

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
Spring

83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Reese's peanut butter cups

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
yes.

85. FAVORITE HAIR COLOR?
The one I have.

86. YOUR EYE COLOR?
I know I said I couldn't turn back, but I'm considering it.

87. YOUR SHOE SIZE?
No, I'm not a quitter...10

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
But why are you reading this boring shit at this point? Good lord. McDonald's

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
I guess it is pretty late at night. You probably don't have anything else to do. El Rodeo.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
I'm not judging you. Yes, I love it.

91. WATCH TV TODAY?
I really should obey my spouse and go to bed. Yes, Michael Jackson videos

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Christmas, I guess.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
No.

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
Democrat

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
they're both okay, or disgusting depending on the kisser and/or hugger.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR FRIENDSHIPS?
This is a dumb question

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
I got a bunch of random stuff at Walmart---cake, bubblewrap, a garbage can, ant traps, Bonne Bell Lip Smackers lip gloss...

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
Survey, I detect a condescending note to that question...jerk

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
nothing.

It's totally cheating to pass off Facebook surveys as blogs, but I don't care.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after this song:



2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
It's been a while. Probably the Michael Jackson memorial.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It's okay. It's distinctive.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Boy, do I.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes, but there would be huge issues in that I/she would want to sleep with her/my husband. Friends don't do friends' husbands.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM
Very rarely. I'm very literal minded.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
I've never checked.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I would love to.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
I'm not into cereal. It's about the only junk food I'm not into.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. I'm incredibly lazy, and fairly sloppy.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
I don't know. I guess I'm not that into ice cream either.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
I assess whether or not they might be a murderer. I'm really scared of killers.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I should try to get better at pretending to like people.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Probably my grandma

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
I'm not suggesting that anyone completes it.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
No shoes, and minimal (black) shorts

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
I was listening to Hot Chocolate singing the Emilene song, but now I'm just listening to kids putting the cat in time-out.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Burnt Sienna. Because I like that that name sounds like a porn name of an actress with pyrophilia (I really don't even know if pyrophilia is a fetish, or even if pyrophilia is a real word)

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Baby necks
Skunks
Kitten breath
Man-sweat
Gasoline
Purel
Tom Ford "Black Orchid"

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE
My mother

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
No one sent it to me. I stole it from someone.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
I don't do that.

27. HAIR COLOR?
I really like Dubert brown.

28. EYE COLOR?
Dubert brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. I either wear my glasses or go around kind of nearsighted.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
One time I ate Lavender Creme Brulee and it was the best thing ever. It tasted like flowers, but in a good way.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Like Tuan, I immediately though "massage parlor" when I read this.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
I don't know. It's been a while.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A YMCA t-shirt that is, interestingly, Burnt Sienna colored.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. Summer is too much pressure to feel like I should go out and do stuff. I like to be in the house.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
eh.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Nobody.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Everybody

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I'm not reading anything right now.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Those kids of mine.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
I didn't watch TV. I watched Michael Jackson on youtube.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
the sound of silence, because it is a sound I never, ever hear anymore.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Good lord, there is no comparison. The Beatles obviously. The Rolling Stones aren't in their league even. Don't get me started.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Germany

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Loud whistling through my fingers and speed reading.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Maquoketa IA

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Anyone who takes the initiative to do it.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Work Christmas party.

Michael Jackson Dance Party

These are old news to you if you're my friend on Facebook.

We just recently figured out how to link our camcorder to the computer. I've taken a bit of footage of my kids, and our daily ritual---Michael Jackson Dance Party Hour. It's a good time. You should come some time.

How to brainwash your child into awesomeness.

TV is a good babysitter.

That's not PC to say, I realize. But it's true. Every mom knows it. And I feel no guilt about letting the TV babysit my kids on a daily basis. In the morning when I'm drinking my coffee and trying to become a person, they watch cartoons. In the afternoons, in the deathly hours after lunch and after we've played outside and gone anywhere we possbily could go, but before my husband gets home and we eat dinner, they watch TV. There's nothing else to do. I'm with the kids 24/7. If it were not for the TV amusing my kids a few hours a day, I'd totally lose it.

Anyway, there are 8 million gazillion DVDs for kids out there. Most of them suck socks. Seriously. I would rather scratch my ears out than overhear the Wiggles. Barney is a real creep. Calliou is a huge whiner and whenever my kids watch him, they start talking in the same creepy whine.

So I'm actually pretty picky about what I put on TV for the kids. I don't let them watch annoying shit, which means they watch a lot of awesome stuff that I like instead. I think this has really added to making them interesting little people. They aren't going around bugging grownups by quoting Dora the Explorere, you know? They're well rounded. And they really like the stuff I show them as more than the weirdo kid stuff at this point. They're cool kids.

So I'd like to share my recommendations of what to movies will entertain your kids, keep them out of your hair for an hour or two, and not be completely irritating to overhear.

1.) Muppet Show ---last year, my kids were into the 1970s Muppet Show. And for good reason. It's freaking great. My kids are very into music, much more than I was as a kid. I remember when I was a kid, and the special musical guest did their number, it was boring as hell. But that's my kids favorite parts. They know all sorts of crazy old songs that no one else their age knows because of the Muppet Show. Crocodile Rock, Day-O, Spinning Wheel... Plus, Miss Piggy is pretty much the best fictional character ever invented. I want to be Miss Piggy when I grow up.

2. "Best of Bowie"---This was the first of any sort of television that my oldest son watched. He hated regular TV but seriously loved this DVD compilation of David Bowie videos and live performances. The kid knows "Rebel Rebel" by heart. How cool is that.

3. Michael Jackson Dangerous: Live in Bucharest----This is the HBO concert that was filmed in the early 1990's. Good lord, MJ put on an amazing show. The kids love this, and usually if I put it on for them, I can't stay away. They dance along, and I break out the hula hoop (I've lost an inch in my waist solely due to hula hooping to Michael Jackson

4. Sesame Street Old School---this is a dvd compilation of old school 1970s Sesame Street. Completely different show than current Sesame Street. It even has a parental warning at the beginning, stating that some material might not be suitable for today's child. Whatever. Did you know Oscar was orange in the first season? That is fucked up. The best part though, is that Elmo is nowhere to be seen. When Elmo came on the scene, Sesame Street totally jumped the shark.

5. Elmo's Potty Time---Considering my last statement about the red furry one, it's strange that I am recommending one of his movies. It is the ONLY kid movie we watch in our house. I bought it to help my twins with their pottytraining. Dax literally took YEARS to pottytrain, so I was very much dreading starting the process with the twins. We started watching the Elmo potty movie, and those little guys pretty much pottytrained themselves. Quinn was pottytrained immediately as soon as we started the process, and Heath took like a month. Amazing. I thank Elmo for that. Any bad feelings I have towards Elmo kind of disappear when I remember that he saved me from changing any more diapers and dealing with all that shit (literally and figuratively speaking). I have three potty trained children. I never thought that day would come. And actually, the potty movie is pretty funny. It's always funny to talk about poop and pee. There's jokes in that movie for the grownups too.

6. Wizard of Oz---my kids went through a phase of watching this pretty much every day. They know it by heart, and quote it all the time. And I love it that none of my kids are pussies---they aren't scared of the witch or flying monkeys at all. A lot of wimpier kids would be. My kids aren't wimps.

7. Michael Jackson "The Number Ones"----more MJ. This is a compilation of his most popular videos. Billie Jean, Thriller, Smooth Criminal, Black or White...all the classics. Good for getting out the hula hoop.

Well, that's about all I can think of. If you're invited to a toddler's birthday party and don't know what to get them for a present, forget the blocks or trucks. Bring "Best of Bowie."

5.

Another survey, because I want to practice importing blogs into Facebook

SIX CIRCLES

CIRCLE ONE: THE OUTSIDE

1. What's your name: Emilene

2. How tall are you: 5'7"---which is, in my opinion, the best height to be. Tall for a girl, but not freaky tall where you have to hear comments like "Wow, you're so tall!" all the time.

3. What color are your eyes: dark brown

4. What color is your hair: same. I like to color coordinate my features

5. Are you Male or Female: Oh god.

6. What is your best feature (physically): My overactive ovaries.

7. What's your shoe size: 10

8. Glasses, yes or no: I wear them most of the time because I'm used to them, but I see fine without them. As I get older, my eyesight gets better. Weird, eh?

9. Did you ever have braces: No

10. On a typical day you are wearing: Sweaty workout clothes

11. When you go to bed you're wearing: It depends on the day.

12. work out/exercise about how often: Everyday, 1.5-2.5 hours a day. Unless I start to feel worn out, then I take a rest day.

CIRCLE TWO: MUSIC
1. Name five of your favorite bands: Beatles, Kinks, No Doubt, Wings, REM

2. Name five of your favorite singers: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Michael Jackson, George Harrison

3. Name three songs you are currently playing nonstop: "Hold My Hand" (unreleased Akon feat. Michael Jackson), "Butterflies" (Michael Jackson), "Warmth of the Sun" (Beach Boys)

4. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life right now: I don't particularly feel like answering that.

5. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life one year ago: "All Things Must Pass" George Harrison. I'm not giving the lyrics. That's too much work.

6. When you're driving, what are the preset stations on your radio: Any station that isn't country

7. What's the last CD you bought: Michael Jackson "Invincible

8. Was the last CD you burned an actual CD or a mix: a mix for Spinning class

9. Name one song/band/singer you're embarrassed to like but do: Britney Spears. Nothing gets me pumped up for good hard cardio than hearing "It's Britney, Bitch." (And because of this question, I put that song on. My son is now making the kitten dance to "Gimme More". Awesomeness. I so need to tape this.)

10. If you could only attend one concert ever again, it would be: Living artist? Probably P-Mac (Or Paul McCartney, if you aren't on a nicknaming basis with him like I am.)

11. Name one band/singer you absoulutely can't stand: Nickelback. I seriously cannot understand why anyone would listen to that on purpose

12. Name a group you use to like but feel you've grown out of: The Doors. I was big-time into the Doors in high school, but I've realized their music is really, really bad. You can get away with people thinking you're good if you have a cute enough frontman.

CIRCLE THREE: MOVIES/TELEVISION

1. Name your favorite actor: Clark Gable.

2. Name your favorite actress: Joan Crawford

3. Name your favorite television show right now: I have no appointment TV shows right now.

4. Name five really cool movies you've recently seen: I don't know. I watch a lot of old movies on TCM but can't remember the titles

5. Your favorite canceled television show: "The Office", BBD version

7. Name one movie you wish you hadn't wasted time/money on recently: "The Wiz" is really so, so boring and horrible. The witch's name in it is Evilene. And the movie came out right about when I was born. Did my mom name me after a character in "The Wiz"? Kind of makes you wonder (just kidding. I'm named after a song by the funk group Hot Chocolate.)

8. You would never watch a movie with: I'll watch a movie with anyone who wants to go with me.

9. Favorite candy/food to watch movies with: I don't eat while I watch movies.

10. Three favorite tv channels: TCM...and...yeah, that's pretty much it.

11. Favorite reality show: "Millionaire Matchmaker"

12. Favorite character on a reality show: ?

CIRCLE FOUR: WORD ASSOCIATION
(Write the first word/thing/person that comes into your head when you read this word:)

1. coffee: Yum
2. dog: Poop
3. slut: (okay, I'll do the 2nd word, because the first just isn't right)---skank
4. candy: necklace
5. pole: stripper
6. ocean: wave
7. brave: heart
8. loving: "All My..."
9. cookie: Monster
10. death: Mobile
11. life: Time television for women
12. child: bearing hips

CIRCLE FIVE: WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER:
(bold the one you prefer)

1. Ten guilty men go free OR One innocent man goes to jail for life---It kind of depends on what the guilty guys did.

2. Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects---lion definitely. Lions are cute. Bugs are ugly. I think even if I was having my face ripped off at the moment, I might appreciate a big furry kitty to look at.

3. A life of contentment without love OR A life with love and heartache: Love is contentment.

4. Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge: whatever's cheaper

6. No television OR No music: no television, definitely. Music makes life so much better.

7. No more pizza, ever OR No more chocolate, ever: I could go either way on this one.

8. A trip to Europe OR a trip to Hawaii--Europe. I don't go on vacations to sit around on my ass looking at the ocean.

9. An hour with your future soul mate OR An hour with a lost loved one: I'm hoping that I don't have a future soul mate. Definitely the hour with a lost loved one. My grandma before Alzheimer's got the best of her.

10. No longer being able to cry OR No longer being able to feel the need to cry: I'm too autisticy to understand this question.

11. Sex without love OR love without sex: Now that's just embarassing.

12. Loving someone who doesn't love you OR being loved by someone you don't love: Are we talking stalkers here?


CIRCLE SIX: THE LOVE LIFE

1. Are you currently in a relationship: yes
2. Are you currently looking/interested in someone: I should hope so.
3. Are you a virgin?: Good lord.
4. If yes, how long do you plan to be one: Do people really plan that out?
5. How many times have you been "in love": Once
6. Looking back, how do you feel about that person(s) now: The same
7. Name three things (physically) you look for in someone: I'm not looking for anybody
8. Name three things (mentally/emotionally) you look for in someone: See above
9. Biggest turn offs include: saying "Yes?" when I say "Jesus Christ!"
10. Your ideal date would be: I don't date.
11. You want to get married, where, when, how: Yes, Hauberg Civic Center, August 11, 2001
12. Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don't return: Yes, creepy homeless guys

There were originally 7 "circles" but the last one was really dumb so I skipped it

Just a facebook survey that I already did because I'm too unmotivated to post a real blog.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Way too early. 6-ish. My husband was getting ready for work and wanted to chat. My responses were mostly "Grrrrrr"

2. How do you like your steak? Rare, actually, but I don't feel that it's socially acceptable to order "rare" so I order medium-rare, and hope for blood.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Hangover

4. What is your favorite TV show? Hm, I don't really have the attention span for TV shows anymore. Maybe "Mad Men"

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I don't know, maybe Paris.

6. What did you have for breakfast? a banana w/ peanut butter smeared on it.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Ooh, look who's fancy with their big French words...I don't know. I'll eat anything.

8. What foods do you dislike? Pasta

9. Favorite Place to Eat? El Rodeo in Davenport.

10. Favorite dressing? I'm not into dressings. They make the food too slimy.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A big honking minivan most of the time. When I'm kidless, a smooth Toyota Camry.

12. What are your favorite clothes? I really like fancy dresses that make me look like a drag queen, but it's not like I have much opportunities to wear them. Same thing applies to my leather pants.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I really like Europe. Anywhere on that continent would be okay with me.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Stuck in the middle (yeah yeah) and the pain is thunder (yeah yeah)

15. Where would you want to retire? I'm already retired.

16. Favorite time of day? After the kids go to bed. I don't really perk up until 7 pm-ish.

17. Where were you born? Big Maq---Maquoketa Iowa

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Michael Jackson's dancing.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? I'm not tagging anyone. I don't like to impose

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? bleh

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? bleh

22. Bird watcher? I go through phases, but mostly I'm too lazy to fill the bird feeder.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night

24. Do you have any pets? Two cats

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? My kids are all potty trained. That's exciting news in my world.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? I changed my goals a lot. Consistency has never been my strongest suit.

27. What is your best childhood memory? I don't know.

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Cats, because they are so much less work and emotional neediness than dogs.

29. Are you married? For the time being. Not for long if my husband keeps waking me up at 6 am though.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes, always

31. Been in a car accident? Apparently when I was a newborn---in pre-carseat days---my parents were in an accident and I went airborne and slammed against the windshield. Good times.

32. Any pet peeves? Way too many

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Shrooms

34. Favorite Flower? Irises (Irii?)

35. Favorite ice cream? Anything with lots of chunks.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? I like them all.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I think I failed my permit test once.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Facebook

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Goodwill. I liike quantity over quality.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? yes, unfortunately.

41. Like your job? it has its high points

42. Broccoli? Sure.

43. What was your favorite vacation? Spending 3 weeks in Europe in 2002. I ran into Michael Jackson on that trip. That's not why I like it, specifically. I'm just making conversation.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? MP

45. What are you listening to right now? Kids chasing the cat.

46. What is your favorite color? Red. Definitely red.

Yeah, I'm not real good at conviction and stuff

So a few weeks ago, I decided I spent too much time at home with the kids, messing around on the computer and I decided I should try to socialize more with the world.

Yeah, I'm kind of done with that. I thought I should try to join a stay at home mom playgroup, but I couldn't force myself to do it. I used to go to this a few years ago, but it really can be torturous to talk with a bunch of stay at home moms. I'm including myself in this, obviously. If I don't get out much, and they don't get out much, there isn't much in the way of interesting conversation, you know? When the only thing you have in common is that you procreated, the conversations always lead back to kids, and I can only take so much kid talk. I'm around kids all day (and I love them, really, despite my complaining.) When I have the rare chance to be around a grownup, the LAST thing I want to talk about is kids. The second most popular topic of conversation seemed to be scrapbooking.

I.DON'T. SCRAPBOOK. I am very passionately anti-scrapbook, in fact. To me, sitting around documenting every event in your child's life with ribbons and glue and sparkles is pretty much the creepiest thing I can think of. My mom got me a scrapbooking kit once, when I was on bedrest. It was nice of her to try to think of activities I could do while I was a beached whale, cooking babies in my belly. I gave it a shot, even. But it was a dismal failure. I pretty much just glued my pregnancy tests and ultrasound pictures in the book. When my sister looked at it, she was like "Yuck! Didn't you pee on these?" Whatever. I. DON'T. SCRAPBOOK.

Other than that, I couldn't really think of any other ways to talk to people. I looked at craigslist, thinking there would be people wanting workout partners and stuff, but yeah, not so much. Oh, there were lots of ads looking for lonely housewives, and I'm pretty sure that if I met up with them they wouldn't want to talk about scrapbooking. But yeah, no thanks, creepy weirdos. Craigslist seriously is comedy gold though. Good lord. There are a lot of freaks out there.

So pretty much I decided that sitting around the house with the kids isn't really a bad option. So while we sit around the house, they play and I mess around on the computer. I tried to stay away from facebook, but just found myself looking at equally addictive stuff...Michael Jackson videos on youtube. (But you already know all about that) Hours of entertainment were found watching very random videos of MJ. Oh yeah, and remember how I said before that I believed my mom's theory that Michael Jackson was castrated? Um, not anymore. I've seen the footage. Totally into girls and totally not castrated. I won't post the link, for those of you that aren't interested in seeing video of Michael Jackson getting a boner (which I would assume would be pretty much everyone except for me)

Craigslist and Michael Jackson erection videos pretty much convinced me that Facebook isn't really that bad of a website to be addicted to.

So I'm back, after---what?---a week hiatus? Maybe two? Conviction has never really been my strong suit.

There's a reason I only give birth to boys

Usually when you think about having kids in an abstract manner, most people think it would be nice to have both boys and girls. No one is ever like "Oh, I only want boys!" or "I'm only having girls!" You know? But you can't really plan it out, what sex of child you have. And that's how I ended up with three boys.

Yes, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a girl. I know that having a girl would make for a very different parenting experience for my husband, at least, since having three sons means having three guys who are obsessed with your wife. (Every boy starts out as a mama's boy.) A girl would be nice to have around to play Barbies with, I think. I was a big time Barbie-devotee back in the day.

But you know what? I love my boys and I would totally be a really horrible mother to a girl.

This is how I know. As we were leaving the gym today, we were parked next to a vanful of little girls who were piling out as we were going to pile in. I told my guys to wait and let the girls go first, reminding them "Ladies first". (I am doing my part to add some gentlemen to the male population)

Anyway, as the little princesses passed by, I happened to hear one wee one, maybe 3-ish, complaining to her mom about her sister. I didn't catch most of it, but what I did hear was "I'm so upset because she is hurting my feelings."

I think I probably looked at her like she was an alien. I have never once in my life heard one of my boys talk say "hurting my feelings." And this is how I know I would be a terrible mother to girls. My response to "she is hurting my feelings" would totally be "get over it." I'm so mean. Or, I'm just meant to mother boys.

Hot mess

I have to rant a little here. What is up with the people who go to the gym to workout, then don't workout?

In any given fitness class, about half (or more) of the class walks out of the class with their hair still perfect, not a drop of sweat anywhere to be seen. What is the point of that? Why spend an hour or more in a shoved in a tiny room with dozens of strangers if you aren't even going to move and make it worth your while?

Yes, everyone should listen to their bodies and move at their own pace. But seriously, the perfect hairstyle ladies drive me crazy. And I think I drive them crazy too, because I am the anti-perfect hairstyle lady. I am literally a hot mess when I workout. If I don't have fuck-me-hair (that's a Mario expression)when I'm done working out, I consider the experience a failure.

When I go to workout, I want to get my money's worth. For example, in Zumba class, it's supposed to be dancey. Lots of corny cha-chas and dips and nerdy stuff like that (not knocking it at all. I love nerdy in all shapes and forms) But then there is often a lot of hip bumps and shimmies and thrusting and that kind of business. I am really not a good dancer at all, but I BRING IT when it comes to a good hip thrust. While the fake blonde, not a hair out of place women are demurely swaying front and back about an inch, I'm going at it like a drunk, uncoordinated stripper. While they frantically towel off a stray drop of sweat that might happen to seep out of a single pore, I'm looking like 1970's era, fat, sweaty Elvis.

See Exhibit A



Today in a Zumba class, after a particularly hip-centered number, I heard two of the non-movers behind me say, in a catty, shocked tone "There are children in here!"

So the fuck what? People for some reason bring their kids to the class with them a lot. Not sure why. If they were participating, it would be one thing, but most of them just sit off to the side and watch. Annoying.

Anyway, what is wrong with kids seeing some shimmying and hip shaking? Every freaking day, my kids and I watch a Michael Jackson concert dvd. We dance along with it and sorry, but MJ's moves are not rated G.

See exhibit b



(Side note: based on that video, I think every man in the universe should be required to buy a pair of metallic gold pants.)

I also like to hula hoop while watching music videos with the kids and nothing gets the hips shaking like a hula hoop. I don't think my kids will grow up to be sexual deviants because we dance a lot. At least they won't grow up to be repressed extras from the cast of "Footloose". People get so hung up on themselves. Because they're too self-conscious or whatever to shake their asses, they think everyone should be.

People are afraid of sweat too, I think. Sweat is good. Pretty much everything that is fun for me involves sweating. I'm not afraid of getting sweaty and hot. It means you're moving, you're burning calories, you're not sitting on your ass.

And personally, I think the sweaty look is a good look.

See Exhibit C (try 2:07-ish)



I developed a big-time girl crush on Gwen Stefani back in high school, pretty much based on this. Or maybe not so much a girl crush, but I wanted to be her, and jump around all sweaty on a stage, wearing a crop top. (I couldn't wear the crop top then, and I can't today. Unless Santa brings me a tummy tuck for Christmas.)

What I really need to do is find a cardio striptease class in the QCs. And if I can't find one, I need to start one! How much fun would that be? And I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to find a stripper pole class. They have those in big cities, but not around here (believe me, I've done the research). All that twirling around and climbing and sliding looks like so much fun. You can buy stripper poles for home use and I SO wanted one, but my husband nixed the idea (yeah, I know, I don't get it either.)

So anyway, there's my little rant. People who aren't comfortable in their own skin drive me bonkers. If you want to stand there and sway a little bit and call it a workout, then wonder why you're not losing weight, more power to you. If I go to a dance class, I'm going to move. As long as I keep my clothes on, and leave out the Michael Jackson crotch grabs (in public anyway), what's the harm?

Poof

As of this post, I'm taking a sabbatical from having any sort of online presence. Facebook, myspace, blogging---all this virtual socialization is leaving me feeling very empty. It's not socialization, it's just all pretend. I need to either focus on making real-life friendships, or just come to terms with the fact that I am a social retard.

MJ VIDS part II

I thought, should I really make a second blog of good Michael Jackson videos? Or will people think I'm a freak? Answers? Yes and Yes. So here goes:

1. Michael Jackson doing the robot over and over again. Enough said. It's awesomeness. He is the only person to ever actually do the robot and look like a robot.



2. Michael Jackson with an insane fan. Anyone else would have knocked this weirdo off the platform. Best part is at :53 when MJ changes the lyrics of the song to "Get this boy down please!"



3. Okay, break from MJ. This isn't Michael Jackson. I don't only watch Michael on youtube. I like to salivate over the Beatles. This is awesomeness. I want to see another remake of Lady Marmalade with Pink feat. Mya. feat. Christina. feat Missy. feat John Lennon



4. While we are on the subject of the Beatles, let's keep rolling with it. This is amazing. There are people today who still honestly, honestly, honestly think that the REAL Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced with a body double. McCartney was on Letterman the other night and joked about it, but some people took the joke very seriously. (For the record, I totally think this is stupid, but even IF Paul is dead---and he's not--- and there's been this fake guy pretending to be paul for the last 40 years---and there hasn't---it would be okay by me. Post-1966 Paul is a way better musician and songwriter than pre-1966 Paul)



5. Back to MJ. Cute, embarassed MJ has his fly open onstage and has to do a quick fix (at 1:26) He freaking blushes! So cute! Plus I really like this song. Why is this song not more famous?



6. I don't even really know what's going on here, except that MJ has a bad case of the giggles



I think he's laughing at the guy's accent.

7. Kind of like here:



8. Pretty much worth it for Michael Jackson doing the robot to grocery store Muzak, and lusting over Elizabether Taylor---"That's what I'm talking about"



9. Aw! so sad!


10. Again, I feel like I should have 10 things in my list. Let me go find some awesomeness for you...



Like I said, awesomeness.

So for the last few weeks, I haven't been doing any sort of blogging. Or facebook quizzes or any of the other time wasters that I usually like to do on the internet. And that's because all of my spare computer time has been devoted to obsessively watching old Michael Jackson videos on youtube.

I'm really mourning way too much. I couldn't figure out why I was so sad, but then John Mayer put it in to words for me. He talked on Larry King about how for his (and my) generation, we were incredibly lucky to have Thriller be the first music we were introduced to. In his twitter updates, he wrote "I think we'll mourn his loss as well as the loss of ourselves as children listening to Thriller on the record player." And that just struck me as why I'm sad.

In 1983, Michael Jackson WAS music. And when you're 4 years old, just learning about music, and culture and the world, Michael Jackson was amazing. He had a chimp for a best friend---what 5 year old wouldn't want that? He got to wear sparkly outfits and costumes and dance around like a maniac. I totally remember thinking that someday I'd get to go to Neverland and ride the rides, kind of like I fantasized about going to Disney World (still never been there!)

We didn't have the Thriller album at our house (I don't even think we had a record player until 1988, even)but that music was the soundtrack of my early childhood. And then Bad came out at a stressful time in my life and was a nice distraction to be able to listen to it, and read all the tabloid stories about Bubbles and the hyperbaric chamber and all that. Dangerous came out when I was in junior high and I loved all the crazy videos for it. (Although I watched the "In the Closet" video and was mortified and horrified to realize I was very attracted to Michael Jackson there. I didn't admit this secret for 15 years.)

But then he stopped making music, and our generation grew up and we kind of didn't need him. So when he died, it kind of does feel like he was truly Peter Pan. He was there for our childhoods, and kept trying to lure us back, but we grew up and didn't need him anymore. And like Peter Pan stopped coming to Wendy's window, Michael Jackson is gone and isn't coming back. So it's sad.

Anyway, like I said, I've been watching MJ on youtube. I've found some good stuff that I want to share.

This is actually a three parter, but this is the cutest part. He just seems so relaxed and sweet here.



This one is really cute too. I don't know the real story, but I'm guessing Diana Ross was teasing him about having bad breath, and Stevie Wonder offered him a mint, and Michael Jackson said "I can't eat a mint right now because there's a camera" but then he went for it. I don't know. Whatever. He's so adorable here



Again, with Diana Ross. I love this because he is so cute and embarassed about the word "sexy". I'm the same way. I can't use that word without giggling.



Start watching this from about 3:25 Being a very naturally shy person myself, I really think shy guys really are the cutest on earth (I used to be so shy that I barely spoke. When I went to my high school reunion, several people said "I've never heard you talk before." Now I overcompensate for my shyness by talking too much)



Watch this from 2:42 to 3:13. I love his laughing here and finding the humor in the situation. In no way does he seem to be making fun of his fan, but the situation obviously cracks him up. Even with his weird looks here, he's adorable when he laughs.



You already know how I feel about this one:



Ow!

I totally love to dance and sing along in the car to the radio. Can you imagine the pressure if you were dancing and singing along with the radio with freaking Michael Jackson in the car?



So corny and fake, but funny anyway



This song is kind of addictive. I don't even want to tell you how many times I've watched this trying to copy the moves. Plus, BEST COSTUMES EVER.



This one makes me laugh every time



So there we go. That's how I've been spending my internet time lately. My husband is feeling very threatened by my renewed love for MJ, I think. I have to watch this stuff on the sly, or he gets very irrated with me (but he gets irritated by 90% of the things I do/like so nothing new there.)

More MJ

I just wanted to add a few more random Michael Jackson thoughts to yesterday's blog. Not that the world will really benefit from my thoughts on Michael Jackson or not, but I really don't have anything else to write a blog about!

1. Michael Jackson is the first musician I really remember being aware of. I think I was about 4 when Billie Jean came out. Because we lived in a little hick town with no ability to get cable, I can't reminise about watching Thriller on MTV and trying to memorize it or anything, but I did like to play with my cousin's Michael Jackson Barbie doll.

2. Billie Jean is a really great song to play in Spinning class. When I was instructing Spinning classes, I always tried to get the members to request or suggest songs. I love music and really liked putting together fun and motivating playlists (or at least attempt to have fun and motivating playlists) I loved getting suggestions. Anyway, one lady asked that I play more Michael Jackson. I went over the MJ in my music collection and discovered that Billie Jean is the most perfect song ever for Spinning class. I used it as often as I could get away with and it always got the class going.

3. In kindergarten, I got yelled at my the playground aide for pretending to be Michael Jackson. It was snowy and cold, but a bunch of us were running around with one glove (or mitten) on so we could be Michael Jackson.

4. When I'm working out, my hair gets really sweaty. It also gets really curly, and I have a weird widow's peak that makes big strands of hair fall right in the middle of my forehead. All of this means when I work out, I look like I'm wearing a jheri curl Michael Jackson "Bad" era wig.

5. Vitiligo---Michael Jackson said he's white because he has vitiligo. I can see that. My mom has vitiligo, and it causes white patches on her skin. But not so much an issue for her since she's already white with pale skin. It's not even noticeable. But I can see how for a black person it would be very traumatic. Google images of vitiligo. It's really sad.

6. Nosejobs--I was watching the Martin Bashir documentary of Michael and he was talking about how his dad always made fun of his nose, and it made him self conscious and that's why he got a nosejob (or 17). I can totally relate to this. EVERY.PART.OF.IT. (well, except for the 17 nosejobs. I stopped at one)

7. My mom's conspiracy theory. Again, if you've read my myspace blog, or know my mom, you've already heard this theory. My mom has a foolproof theory about what made Michael Jackson go crazy: castration. Her theory is that when he was a little boy, he was such a huge moneymaker for the family that Joe Jackson didn't want to let his cash cow grow up. Back in the day, they used to castrate opera singers so their voices never changed. My mom thinks they did the same thing to Michael Jackson and that's why he had the high voice, no body hair, and was built like an 11-year old. Also, a castration would kill a sex drive, so maybe we can take his word that his sleeping with little kids was completely innocent (still, I wouldn't send my kids to Neverland for a sleepover). My husband scoffed at this theory the other day, saying that the autopsy would have shown that he had no balls, but my mom clarified her theory, saying he was "chemically" castrated---given female hormones. Who knows? But I do think there are a lot of good points to this theory. Also, Liza Minelli said something very cryptic the other day about how his friends all knew a secret about him and that once the autopsy was over, the shit would hit the wall (so to speak) Who knows? My mom's pretty smart. I believe her on this.

8. I'm going to become Joe Jackson. My son Quinn is a good dancer. I think I need ot make him the new Michael Jackson. In the Michael Jackson documentary, he talked about how his dad Joe would watch the Jackson 5 rehearse with a belt in his hand. If anyone messed up their dance moves, they'd get their ass kicked. Quinn's a really good dancer. He doesn't know any official dance moves, but he moves like Michael Jackson---like he doesn't have any bones and is made of rubber bands. It's pretty amazing. I think I need to get all Joe Jackson on him and make him learn some dances and then he can go be the new Michael Jackson and make me a gazillion dollars.

In fact, it's in the card that Quinn is destined to be the new Michael. His middle name is Michael, named after Michael Jackson.

(I'm kidding. His middle name is Michael, but he is so not named after Michael Jackson. Also, I'm not going to beat him. Please don't report me to the authorities.)

9. That's really all I have to say about MJ right now, but I feel like I should offer a solid 10 random thoughts so I've got to come up with two more. Let me think...

Oh yeah! My favorite Michael Jackson video! Definitely, definitely, definitely his duet with Paul McCartney---"Say Say Say"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gWvBXS2t4A

Mostly I just love it because I lust for Paul McCartney (what I wouldn't give to be Linda McCartney here), but it is good on the Michael Jackson front too. He's so normal looking here, but there are a few little pieces of weirdness. For one, the video is set in the 1910's, but MJ somehow got a Cosby sweater from the future. Two, LaToya Jackson plays his love interest. Three, Michael Jackson gets his first lesson in how to paint his face white from Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney also dueted on "The Girl is Mine" with Michael Jackson around this era. That song kind of sucks (especially the spoken word portion. Cheesy fries), but still it's nice to see them being good pals. Which makes it really annoying that Michael Jackson went and bought the Beatles song catalog right out from under Paul McCartney. That was kind of a jackholey thing to do.

10. Weird Al Yankovic---I bet he's really sad about Michael Jackson. His career was built on "Eat It" and "Fat". Fat is one of the best videos in all of video history. Sometimes when I start to eat too much crap, I imagine that I expand just like Weird Al, gaining 200 lbs in 30 seconds. I love this video It's so wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqz1ojIQTBk

I would be sadder if Paul McCartney died...

But I'm still pretty freaking sad about Michael Jackson dying.

I just want to share my Michael Jackson story. Those of you who followed me on my old myspace blog have heard this, but I'll share it again.

I went to Exeter, England with my husband on one of his business trips. We were signed up to meet in front of the big cathedral for a "ghost tour"---a walking tour of all the haunted hotspots in Exeter. Sounds pretty great, right? Yeah, I know.

Anyway, we were waiting for the tour to begin. We noticed that a big crowd of people was forming in front of a hotel next to the cathedral. (The hotel's claim to fame---according to the ghost tour lady---was that the Beatles stayed there once. I love me some Beatles, so I loved that hotel)

Anyway, we saw this crowd so we went over to see what was going on. We asked someone and they said Michael Jackson was going to be coming to the hotel. Michael Jackson? What? Why would Michael Jackson be in rinky dink little Exeter? It sounded kind of unbelieveable, but we joined in the group to wait around and see if the King of Pop actually showed up. The ghost tour lady was very irritated that her tour was being held up by Michael Jackson and said if he wasn't there in 15 minutes, the tour would begin anyway. (The English are very efficient and like their shed-jules)

We waited for about 14 minutes, and a big black car rounded the corner, with bodyguards jogging alongside of it. We in the crowd got very excited and lo and behold, the car stopped in front of the hotel and out came Michael Jackson.

I think I was about 10-15 feet away from him. My main impression was that he completely looked like a cartoon character. He didn't even look real. Maybe it's just that I'd seen him in so many videos and tabloids that it was just surreal, or maybe it was because his face was made of plastic. Probably a little of both.

He was very happy and smiley and waved at the crowd and went in the hotel. There was another guy that started waving at the crowd too, like he was famous, but no one around me knew who he was. He totally acted like he thought he was a celeb---we later found out that it was David Blaine. I don't know why David Blaine was hanging with MJ, but I've always kind of been annoyed at David Blaine since then. He really had a big ego to wave at Michael Jackson's crowd like we actually knew who he was, or cared who he was. (Sorry, I get really annoyed at egos)

So that's my Michael Jackson story. I wish I had photos, but I forgot my camera. That sounds like I'm making up this story, but seriously, who would make up this story? It's pretty random. Here's my proof that Michael Jackson was in Exeter.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/news_features/2002/michael_jackson.shtml

I guess I can't really prove I was in Exeter. Whatever. I saw Michael Freaking Jackson.